I feel as if I am fighting an internal battle, a battle that is so out of control that I am not quite sure the resolution will ever come.  I was truly hateful today. I had no reason to be and yet at first I had no remorse whatsoever.  I think I am mean so that Josh will hate me and then he won’t like me anymore and then I won’t get hurt. I get so attached to all the wrong people.  I crave affection that I don’t get.  I don’t mean to be as hateful as I am ….it is like I am on a constant mission to be sarcastic and speak my mind.   I often wonder what exactly my goal is, to be liked or to be hated.  I want to get married like Toni, Lindsay, and Jennifer but at the same time I don’t want to let down my guard and let a male control my emotions. It is as if you have to wonder what the term trust means and if it really exists.  I can’t think of anyone who hasn’t cheated on their girlfriend or wife.  It is scary to know that you could love someone whole-heartedly and then realize they are nothing more than a liar.  I seem to only like guys that are losers.  I have this goal to change them to make them better meanwhile I open a lot of turmoil because I come from such a vastly different background then the guys I typically choose to date.  I don’t know the real reason maybe it is because if I chose someone that everyone thinks is beneath my standards then I know that I will not get dumped or let down….but I still seem to get hurt.  I put so much in and receive so little.  I don’t know what to do.  Jeremy was sweet but a leech was not what I needed.  Josh was someone that I liked simply because he liked me and he was funny and somewhat caring whenever he could put himself aside.  I just have trouble fathoming concepts such as drug, alcohol, partying. They are all things that I have been sheltered from…..all of my problems have answers and are very black and white.  I avoid the gray areas.  I don’t know the unknown and have no desire to see it.  I have no sympathy for those who cause their own problems…..like Josh who says he is always broke but will throw down over twenty dollars a week on beer and cigarettes.  He says he is going through a tough time….aren’t we all.  It is called growing up and maybe when he learns to mature and discover what life is for, then his problems will lessen.  Of course life is one huge bumpy road but he inflicts mountains on his path and is baffled by them.  I just can’t sympathize and I feel bad but I can’t live my life day to day and hope the proper cards are dealt.  I set goals and make sure that my life is all I ever wanted because Domino’s sucks.  It is something that I dread.  The lack of competence scares me because this is it for these people. Their career is Domino’s dealing with customers who are either about as smart as the pizza oven or are successful individuals who assume that you are a loser because you work at Domino’s.  It is sad because most of us are…but I go to school.  I study so someday I can be something other than a 19 year old who wears a shirt with a name tag.  I don’t want money like I once thought I did….of course the bumpy road would become smoother, I just want respect.  I want people to except me for me.  I am sick of being a stupid girl as the Toyota guy often makes me feel.  I don’t understand why men can be so sexist.  Do you think I asked to be a girl, but mark my words when I am their boss they will have to call me ma’am instead of hon.  I hate when I am treated like an inferior individual.. I have a brain I can’t help it if they don’t get to see it exercised…..but I don’t see them going to college full time.  College is the greatest joy of my life…it gives me a chance to prove who I am to tell the world that I am someone with a brain and not just a person who make 6.45 an hour.   I can’t picture what I will someday become but I will study and work my butt off to achieve a worthwhile future and lord knows I don’t need a man to get me there.  I can conquer the world if I put my mind to it and that scares people.  I am not afraid to hurt people’s feelings but I need to calm down because right now I am a no body.  I am just a little person who is screaming to be heard and respected as an individual and a woman….because that is what I am now a woman not a mere child…..but I do need to learn to grow up and calm down a bit.  I don’t know who I think I am sometimes I run my mouth like I have something to offer but what do I have a pizza box…and a half paid off car.  I need to realize that as of now I am better than no one because if I were I would be working somewhere better than the people in which I belittle.